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Not sure where to begin? I’m not in a writing mood but I know I should jot down the details of the week. Here we go…..
Monday, Day 1, (one week ago) Sadie had her first day of Kindergarten. She was super excited and did great! She seemed a little nervous but really eager to go. I was so happy she did so well! A few of the obligatory first day pictures:
I, on the other hand, was a puddle of tears. I held it together until our final farewell. Then the tears started flowing and I quickly left. The tears continued to fall on the drive home….while washing the breakfast dishes….while playing with the boys. I think after an hour I finally dried up. My Mom and Kimmy came up later that day and I was dying to see Sadie so the boys stayed with them and I left really early so I could be one of the first people in the car line to get Sadie. I got there 40 minutes before the bell rang and there were already 30 or so cars in front of me! I sat waiting in my car for what was one of the looonnnnggggeeesssttttt hours of my life and finally at 4:15 I happily had her in my care again. The bell rings at 3:50 – fyi. Also, I heard that the line was over a mile long that day and the last parent didn’t get their child until 5:10. WOW!
Day two went like day one. She was happy. I cried. Although, I did keep my tears contained after I got out the door. The pickup was AWFUL again! I left my house at 3:10 and I didn’t get home until 4:50!!! That’s an hour and fourty minutes that the boys and I spent sitting in the car! We were all going nuts!
On Day three I talked to the teacher and asked if I could just park and pick her up. I had been told that was not allowed by several people but I told the teacher that I just couldn’t keep the boys sitting for over an hour every day. So, we’ve worked it out now where I park a few blocks away by a park and walk with the boys to the school and that way Sadie is a walker instead of a car rider. It’s been much more bearable. I do need to buy a stroller, though. McKay still expects to be carried everywhere and our single stroller broke a year ago and I never replaced it. So, it’s a pain because I’m carrying him for the 10 minute walk to and from the school but once I get a stroller I think the routine will work great. P.S. I cried.
Also, on a sidenote, we have a friend in the ward who has been battling cancer for 2 1/2 years, Sister Shelton, and we had been getting updates all week that things were deteriorating quickly.
Well, on Day Four I woke up and knew that she had passed. I have had this recurring dream the past 2 weeks that we’re sitting in church in a fast and testimony meeting and she walks up to the pulpit and she looks amazing – young, healthy, happy, energetic. We’re all in shock and I’m thinking, “Oh my gosh, it’s impossible, but she’s going to beat this!” But when I look closer I realize that she looks like 10 years younger and it’s a more improved version of herself. At that point it hits me that she’s not healed – she’s passed to the other side. So, I had the most vivid dream of it the night before and woke up and had a peaceful feeling. I checked my email and facebook to see if anyone had made an announcement but saw nothing. I quickly got the kids ready and out the door. Sadie did great at drop off (P.S. I cried again) and the boys and I headed to Brooker Creek for storytime. On the drive home a friend called and casually mentioned (assuming I already knew) about Sister Shelton’s death. It wasn’t the easiest or gentlest way to hear the news but it confirmed what I’d already felt.
Day Five Sadie woke up and said she couldn’t go to school because it made her belly hurt when she was there. I should have mentioned somewhere that although Sadie was happy and tear-free each day she seemed a little off. For instance, for the first time in her life she started coming in bed with us during the night. Also, her appetite was down and she seemed so tired and whiny. So, on Friday I knew she’d hit the end of her rope and she begged me to stay home. It was awful! She kept insisting she would feel sick and she didn’t want to go anymore. We talked through things I told her I would pick her up early. (For a bunch of reasons, which I won’t take the time to explain, I did need to pick her up early and had planned to anyways.) So, I took her to school. She cried. I cried. It was pitiful. Her teacher was great though and gave her a big hug. I’m sure she calmed down quickly after I left. I hope so at least!
Saturday was the funeral. It was very nicely done. They did it in a unique way – the husband stood up to give the eulogy and then turned the time over to anyone who wanted to speak. It was basically a testimony meeting (see dream above). It was very powerful.
Sunday was church and then we went to the homestead (my parents’ house) for Kimmy to show us her pictures from her Jerusalem study abroad semester.
That brings me to today….Monday again. I decided to just drop Sadie off instead of parking and walking her in. I thought it might make the goodbye moment a little easier. She put on her brave face but I could see she was choking back the tears. I was working hard to stay happy and bubbly. I drove up to where her classroom is close to and she hopped out. She turned around twice and I could see she was crying but she kept bravely walking ahead until at last I saw her disappear into her classroom. I had been smiling and waving to her but just at the moment the door shut the principle walked up to my van and told me I wasn’t allowed to stop there, that I had to pull all the way forward. Well, just as she said that I BURST into tears! Haha! I choked out the words, “Sorry I’m not crying about what you said I’m just sad about leaving.” She was kindof in shock and I was a hot mess but she reassured me that things would get easier. I apologized for doing the car drop off wrong and asked her a few questions about what to do differently. She was really taken back and I was embarrassed because I couldn’t get my tears under control. I drove off still sobbing. Awkward!
Tomorrow is Tuesday. If history repeats itself I will probably cry (7 days in a row for me now…wow!). I’m guessing Sadie will, too 🙁 I’m trying hard to stay happy and bubbly for her, though. She’s only seen me cry twice – Monday and Friday. The other days I’ve kept on my happy face until I get outside the classroom.
One other thing I also forgot to mention is that Sadie has been having accidents the past few days. They started on Friday after school. She has had a grand total of TWO accidents since she was potty trained and both of those happened over a year ago. Well, she’s had 5 in the last four days. Not sure what that’s all about? I’m sure it will pass as she adjusts.
Ben asked me tonight why this has been so hard. He pointed out that I never shed a tear when I sent her off to preschool. I’m a little baffled by it myself. These are the reasons I brainstormed for my sadness:
- I’m mourning the end of Sadie’s childhood. I know that sounds silly and dramatic but it seems like from here on out we just get less and less time together. I leave her at 9:30AM and don’t see her again until 4PM. It’s so long!
- It’s weird to not know who she’s with, what’s she doing, or if she’s happy. Sadie is young for her age and not always the best at communicating her needs so I worry if she’s getting the attention she needs. Is she hungry? Does she need to use the bathroom but doesn’t know who to tell? Are the other kids being nice to her?
- Sadie is the life of the party in our house and her absence is painfully noticeable. Jax seems lost without her and that’s sad to watch him feel lonely. It’s a constant reminder throughout the day of how much we miss her.
I keep questioning myself and wondering if this is really the best thing for Sadie. I feel like it is, though, so that helps me feel a small degree of comfort. She’s in a great school, with a great teacher, and really nice students. These are just normal growing pains, right? All kids go through an adjustment period, right? Do parents go through such a challenging adjustment period, too? I know part of my issue is I’ve been extra emotional due to Sister Shelton passing away.
Tomorrow is our anniversary. Mrs. Kelly’s daughter is babysitting tomorrow night so Ben and I can go out. Kelly is going to drop her off and come a few minutes early so we’ll have time to visit. I think that will be good for both Sadie and me; a helpful reminder that relationships take time but hopefully she’ll love Mrs. Curtis in 9 months just like she learned to love Mrs. Kelly. Hopefully I’ll relax and enjoy the evening and take my mind off sad things.
Wednesday we have a Rays baseball game with the family in the evening. Another helpful distraction.
Thursday I have a photoshoot in the evening. Love them, love them, love them!
Friday (don’t judge me) Sadie is skipping school!!!! Wohoo! We’re meeting Kimmy at Clearwater beach (our last fun with her before she heads to school) and then Jax and Sadie are having a sleepover at Joe and Julie’s and my mom is taking McKay while Ben and I head to the Hyatt on Clearwater beach for an anniversary getaway.
Saturday we’ll pick the kids up mid-day and watch the BYU opening football game….it will be grand!
Sunday I will have Sadie all to myself.
Monday is a holiday and I’ll again have her to myself.
Tuesday I’ll deal with when it comes. Hopefully we will have coped with our fate and be a little more adjusted by the time it rolls around.
Hopefully.
Kristy - Oh Alicia! You should have seen Jeremy and I trying to decide if we should send Tanner to school. He has a July birthday so we totally had the option to wait another year. It was by far the hardest and most emotional process. I was just telling Kaelyn today(her 1st is going into kindergarten as well) that I would be walking around the house doing things and then would think about Tanner and school and just burst into tears. It was so sad! I know what you mean about the end of her little childhood. I had those same feelings. Like this was all the beginning and nothing was ever going to be the same again. I would never get to have him home all the time again…it killed me! Tanner even missed the first week of school because we were sure that we should wait the extra year. But then we felt that we should send him and it ended up being such a huge blessing with a wonderful teacher. He cried every morning for the first month(yikes) but then LOVED it! Now he is getting ready for 2nd grade and Jane will be going into kindergarten. I can’t say it’s been any easier thinking about sending her. I was cleaning up their room and just cried thinking about it! But my goodness Tanner is such my little buddy still and I know Jane will be too. School actually brings about fun conversations and its neat to see their little minds start growing and soaking everything up. Plus it makes summer vacation and family vacations during the year such cherished moments. It will get easier. I promise. Wow, that was long winded. Just wanted to let you know that I completely relate:)
alicia - Thanks for taking the time to reply Kristy! Such a comfort to know I’m not that weird. All the other parents look so happy and normal at drop off while I’m a blubbering mess. It’s been a lot harder than I expected. You’re exactly right – I feel like this changes everything and nothing is going to be the same again. Exactly how I feel! Thanks for understanding and reassuring! Good luck with Jane going to Kindergarten!!! 🙂
Joe - Joseph is still a year away and Julie has shed more than one tear over the issue. It is tough. My guess is that the oldest child is the hardest for both parent and child. Hopefully it becomes a natural routine soon and the emotional exertion at the point of separation descends to a sustainable level.
What does she like about school?
Shannon - I’m so sorry this has been a hard adjustment for both of you. Sending my oldest off to school for the first time was hard. I worried about her making friends, who she’d interact with during the day, getting on/off the right bus, etc. Marissa had full day kindergarten as well. It is a LONG day for those little ones. She came home exhausted. It took about a month for her things to calm down. I’m sure you’ve already thought of this, but maybe you could talk to her teacher to find out how Sadie is doing in the classroom. Maybe knowing how she is doing will help you feel better. I hope things improve for all of you.
Christy - You make me cry thinking about Sadie going to school. I think I’ve cried at least three of four times already thinking about Madeleine leaving me for college. 🙂 Matt just looks at me and smiles when I tell him that’s my reason for crying.
Melory once told me that the first years (I think she said 8?) you’re learning to hold them as close as you can and from then on you’re learning how to keep letting go… little by little.
Repeat after me: I am brave!