Still here, still pregnant

This post contains graphic photos of a very pregnant women.

Those that are squeamish may need to look away!!!

The camera has been fully charged and ready and waiting in the car for the last three weeks.  Finally tonight I decided it was time to get it out of the car and take a few pictures.  I excitedly thought to myself while packing that camera three weeks ago that the next picture snapped would be of my happy little newborn.  Alas, it wasn’t meant to be.  

So, yes, tomorrow marks 41 weeks for me.  I’ve been 4cm dilated for a week and fully hoped and expected to have a baby by now.  They’ve offered to induce me but I really want to let it happen on it’s own this time.  The last two pregnancies they didn’t give me the option.  They said it was medically necessary to induce since Sadie was so small and since Jax had a two vessel cord.  I’m rather anti-induction but it’s sure hard to remember that when you’re 41 weeks pregnant.  

The kids definitely know something is up.  They have both been waking up a lot at night lately.  It’s usually only two nights a week that both stay asleep all night long.  Thankfully, Ben is a complete saint and he almost always gets up with them.  

Sadie keeps me laughing through the days with her cute thoughts and her contagious happiness.  Funny things she’s said or done recently include:

Anyways, she’s growing up so quickly and is a completely enjoyable little thing.  I think she’ll adjust just fine to being a big sister again…at least I hope.

Then there’s Jax….

As for Ben, he’s tired in life.  I know he is.  He does so much.  As soon as he gets home he is playing with the kids, getting them ready for bed, putting them in bed, picking up toys or doing something helpful.  He is amazing!  Most nights he is up at least once soothing and comforting a child, which is does extremely well, I might add.  He offers to stretch my legs (restless leg syndrome), is always telling me to sit down and relax, and is willing to help in any way possible. Trust me, I know how lucky I am to have him!!  He never complains, he always has a happy countenance, and the kids and I just can’t get enough of him.  I wish I could do more to lighten his load but I feel like I am barely getting through the days and really rely heavily upon him at night.  Anyways, he’s pretty much perfect.

Then there’s me – not so perfect!!  I’m impatient, tired, uncomfortable, bulky, needy, and chubby.

I’m really trying my best to cope, but feel like I’m failing miserably. I go to bed every night and think, “Please let this be the night.” And, wake up every morning and think, “Ugh, still here!  Heavenly Father pleasssse help me through this day!”  Thankfully my mom has been extremely helpful.  She comes up twice a week and helps with the kids and lets me take a nap.  What would I ever do without her?  Also, Christy visited last week and helped out tremendously.  I definitely would have opted for an induction by now were it not for their help.

I feel like everyone is tired and struggling and the sooner we have this baby the sooner things will start to get back to normal.  Well, the new normal.  It will probably get harder before it gets easier, but right now I just feel stagnant and I’m ready to move forward.  I’m so anxious to meet this baby, discover the gender, and get adjusted to life with three kids.  

And yet, I’m also really nervous about handling the demands of three small children.  To be honest, I’m downright scared.  Surely things will fall into place, but right now I’m just worried about the logistics of it all.  I asked an 18 year old/only member/new member in the ward if she would sit with me in church to help out with the kids.  That was so hard for me to do!  I hate having to ask for help – especially with the kids.  I want to be the one to hold them, entertain them, and cope with problems.  It is so awful for me to admit that I’m not going to be able to do it by myself.  Well, what would probably happen is we would spend most of the time out in the halls and I know that would do a huge disservice to the kids.  We only leave sacrament meetings when Jax has a huge meltdown and/or needs a nap (usually the two coincide) and that only happens every two months or so.  And, as soon as he’s asleep we go straight back in.  I really don’t want the older two kids to think sacrament meeting is a time to play in the halls or in the mother’s lounge….anyways, so I asked for help.  We’ll see how it goes.

I can’t wait to have another baby!  I can’t wait to inspect it’s cute little features! I can’t wait to see the kids reactions!  I can’t wait to smell and kiss a delicious little newborn’s head!  I can’t wait to find out the gender!  And, I can’t wait to be a normal size and able to hug and hold my kids close again!  And yet, waiting is all I’m able to do.  And so we go on waiting….

So, there you have it.  That’s the family update.  I’m so, so, so grateful for the two healthy children we have and for my phenomenal husband who has never loved me more.  I’m a very blessed person!