Life is Beautiful

There’s a sign they put up at the entrance of our street that reads, “No outlet.”  They posted that sign about two years ago when I was feeling stressed to my max.  It was during Ben’s busy season.  I had a 3 year old, 1 year old, and 6 month old.  I was mostly a single parent because what little time Ben had away from work was swallowed up by his church service assignments.  I had been desperately wanting and trying to move before McKay was born.  I wanted to be close to my family so I could have their help.  I wanted to be in a stronger church ward where so much wouldn’t be required.  I wanted to be away from certain people whose negativity and cynicism drained my small reserve of happiness and hope.  Our house felt too small, too far away, and too lonely.  However, the housing crash did not permit such a move.  Every day I drove past that sign, “No outlet” – it seemed to perfectly reflect my situation.

Someone asked me once, “Did you pray about moving into that house?”  It’s my belief that God can be a very real part of our life and decision making if we allow Him.  And, yes, we had been extremely prayerful about the decision to buy in this ward, in this area, and this specific house.  I felt like we could do a lot of good.  I remember hearing my dad joke to someone when I was a kid, (don’t listen Cliffie), “Utah doesn’t need another strong Mormon family but Florida sure does.”  Well, when we were praying about where to move 8 years ago I remember thinking about that statement and taking it one step further – if any ward in Florida needed a strong family it would be good ‘ole, crazy Hudson Ward.  The bang for the buck was great, the cause seemed noble, the moment felt right.

Fast forward to my sign: No Outlet.  My mom told me that during periods of difficultly we often experience the most growth.  I wasn’t feeling like I was growing though.  I felt resentful about Ben’s time consuming calling.  I was feeling angry that we had prayed and felt good about this home only to lose so much money.  I felt like Sunday was the hardest, most stressful day of the week.  I felt like Heaven had forgotten about us.

Despite my belief back then, I did, in fact, survive the exhaustion, stress, and demands of that year. There were days that the lines from my favorite scripture, Moroni 7:46, would surface in my mind, “And charity suffereth long, and is kind, and envieth not, and is not puffed up, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil, and rejoiceth not in iniquity but rejoiceth in the truth, beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things.”  That has always been my pick-me-up-and-keep-going scripture on the hard days. Instead of enduring patiently and kindly I felt bitter, lonely, and envious of others’ good fortune which in my myopic perspective wasn’t shining on me. 

Lately, however, I feel acutely aware of God’s awareness of me, and I feel like I’ve been given eyes to see the purpose in these trials. Some of my observations of positive results that have come from being in this house/area/ward for longer than we wanted include:

• Less competitive/judgmental.  One thing I love about this area and ward is that it’s very noncompetitive. People don’t compare who has the biggest house, nicest car, most talented children, or cutest clothes. Those thoughts or judgement about people don’t cross my mind or make as great as an impression as they use to.
• More inclusive. A line that stands out to me from the scripture above is “seeketh not her own.” I always understood that line to mean putting others before oneself.  I believe it could also have reference to including others that may not be like ourselves. Some of the friends I’ve made in this ward are people that I never would have imagined becoming great friends with – older women, crazy women (literally!), and women whose personalities were at first too strong or harsh for me. I hope I’ll be more open minded in the future about the feelings, potential, and lives of people that may not be like myself in image, upbringing, and education.
• Lasting friendships. I’ve learned to really value good friends. Of the seven years we’ve lived in this house Stephanie Cricchio and I had two year were we were really close. Those two years were the hardest but some of the best because of her support. She is a friend that I will always remain close to and her friendship during those two hard years made such a difference.
• The kids play with each other. Not having many close friends the last year has forced my kids to become good friends with each other.  They haven’t had a play date with non-relatives since the Tickners moved away last year. Wow! They have spats but they are also best friends.  If we were surrounded with church and neighbor friends perhaps their relationships with each other wouldn’t be as close as they are?  That is priceless!
• Developed talents. Boredom and loneliness in the earlier hard years (pre-Cricchio) turned me into a reader and a photographer.
• Motherhood growth. Also during the time I’ve spent in this home/area/ward I’ve become a mother and the tests I’ve experienced in the “suffereth long”, “kind”, “not easily provoked”, “beareth all things”, and “endureth all things” have definitely caused growth. There were days I’ve failed miserably with patiently enduring through the messes, tantrums, and physical exhaustion but overall I’ve come a looonnngggg ways. If I had been too close to family I would have been always running to them for help. They still helped plenty but there were struggles I needed to experience without someone rescuing me daily, instead my mom rescued me weekly 🙂

There are still days that I still see the “No Outlet” sign and roll my eyes. But I also realize that much good has come about in the years we’ve spent here. I wish I had done better – prayed more, involved the Savior more in my life, handled conflicts differently, developed certain friendships more, visited the temple more frequently, withheld comments or complaints, supported Ben in his callings, served people in the ward, and journaled my daily struggles. Good things have been learned, but I could have done better.  That’s a sad, true statement.

I’m understanding my talents and roles in relationships more clearly.  I’m understanding who Heavenly Father wants me to be and how he wants me to help others. Which means that probably soon everything will get turned upside down again and I’ll be given different challenges.  We plan to list our house in two more weeks.  We’re not sure if we’ll be able to get out or not.  But I feel peace that whatever should happen will happen.  I hope it will sell. OH! I hope it will sell!!  But if we’re here one more year I’m going to trust that Heavenly Father knows me, loves me, and guides my life for it’s betterment.  For now I’m going to enjoy my little, happy home in crazy ‘ole New Port Richey.

*These pictures were generously taken by Alison Winterroth of http://www.alisonwinterroth.com/!  We won her free photo shoot giveaway. I would highly recommend her as a Land O Lakes Photographer.